After chasing fireflies with my two insanely cute kids, I was scrambling all around. More two hours for his arrival and I have to cook his favorite chicken (which I never ever imagined to touch), clean the house; an epitome of mess, entertain the kids so they won’t bother me while preening myself, especially as I slip in that sexy dress which I bought in his absence. Till now, I am just scrambling around like a maniac wearing a stained apron and my hair bundled out of the way. While brewing the stew, tight deadline bestowed upon me by my supervisor is haunting me. Still wonder, whether he gets any premonition about my happiness and plans to be a spoilsport? Oh my stew, I burnt it. Shit! Shit! And here, Ayan starts wailing while Ahana enjoys scattering his blocks. Oh gosh, I miss him. His eyes which I see in Ayan, his lips which I see in Ahana. Come home soon, so we can have a perfect meal, read bedtime stories for our kids, make some love and watch stars till the night ends.
Isn’t this “Having it all” really means?
Hold on, it’s just a snippet of my imagination. Blame the game of ghar ghar for germinating such desires in my head since age of 10. It taught me to a perfect wife, perfect mother and a perfect individual abiding by duties and responsibilities. But honestly, I don’t even wrap up my bedsheets after I wake up, abandon the kitchen in a mess, don’t give a hoot about making food (well, I can’t even cook much), never pick up calls in first place or keep it on airplane mode intentionally to evade unnecessary talking, at times, wander around aimlessly, without informing a single person on this earth. Also, sometimes, risk my life in woods recklessly where rumors work overtime about leopards looming around and akin to a haunted soul, do everything except sleeping at night.
So, can I ever reconcile the schism between imaginative idea of “Having it All” with the real idea of “Having it all”?
Maybe we can. Maybe we can’t. But, before everything, you need to understand, “Who are you as an individual? What do you really want from life?” Does climbing mountains tickle your fancy or a formidable post in a plush office, does being a CEO is your ultimate dream or being a house maker, is both on your list and are you struggling to maintain the equilibrium or do you want to be a wanderer and care for none ?
Honestly, if you struggle for all these answers, you will be gifted with new answers each time. Aren’t we human beings strange creatures? We change with time. We want everything and all at once. Why can’t we believe “OK is Good Enough”?
So, for now,
It’s okay, if you aren’t living career of your dreams.
It’s okay, if you are a jilted lover.
It’s okay, if you cannot afford luxury.
It’s okay, if you are a chaotic mess.
Oh yes! My career is in balance and so is my love life. I detest myself for feeling emotions so deeply where they aren’t valued. My bank balance might be nil by next month and luxury seems just a far fetched dream. I am disappointing my supervisor and so my parents. My dreams are dwindling away and so am I.
And, here I am again grabbing a subway sandwich, chasing a Churchgate fast local, nestling my cell between shoulder and ear, justifying my boss about the delay, rolling my eyes seeing the over crowded train, agitating over stinky smell of fish, battling my way out of train and automatically landing on the station by force way stronger than gravity and gifted elbow jabs as souvenirs of the journey.
“Oh Gosh, Can I please have my “Having it All” dream”, I wonder while walking out. But, as I watch the roaring waves kissing the rocks wildly from a distant, I paced, paced more quickly. Letting the wind mischievously blow my hair, splashing ripples of water kissing my skin, dappled sunlight glinting my face, I realized, “Oh yes, I have it all. Even now, I have it all”.
Maybe, “Surviving is the real key of the journey”. And, you never know, you may find “Having it All” in the midst of it.
Try it out once!